Ted Kennedy leads delegation’s historic journey into the heart of racing country
WEB-EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 1:03 p.m. ET Dec. 14, 2004
Dec. 14 - Boldly going where no member of their party has ever gone before, key Democratic Party leaders embarked today on an historic fact-finding mission to NASCAR.
The NASCAR visit, the first ever undertaken by Democratic officials, took place only after party leaders devoted several months of research to determine precisely what NASCAR was.
"Once we learned that NASCAR involved cars and racing, and apparently had millions of fans, we looked at each other and said, 'We must learn more,'" said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe.
The Democratic delegation to NASCAR, headed up by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, was then selected by "drawing straws," McAuliffe said.
After undergoing a six-week course in NASCAR slang, customs and rituals, Kennedy and the other Democrats left for their mission in a forty-foot-long Plexiglas camper reminiscent of Pope John Paul II's popemobile.
Speaking through a public address system from inside the fortified camper, Kennedy spoke to NASCAR fans who had gathered at the Homestead-Miami Speedway.
"Citizens of NASCAR, we come in peace," Kennedy boomed. "Please join us for a wine and cheese reception before this thrilling contest begins."
The Democrats' diplomatic overtures to NASCAR were marred somewhat, observers said, when Kennedy's camper broke down, blocking all access to the speedway's restrooms.
But McAuliffe still declared the mission a success, adding that the Democrats would soon make historic fact-finding trips to Wal-Mart, Home Depot and Red Lobster.
Elsewhere, doctors examining President Bush said he was "in excellent health" and capable of assuming the duties of president should anything happen to Dick Cheney.
Andy Borowitz is the author of The Borowitz Report, and the winner of the National Press Club's humor award. For more, go to borowitzreport.com.
© 2004 Newsweek, Inc.
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